The Concrete Jungle

I am having one of those days where my body feels like it is falling apart. I am worried about my teeth and getting this tooth looked into and fixed. There is not a sense of urgency about this from my mom, so that makes me feel like I don't need to be urgent about it. But I am doing a lot of smoking which I am sure is not helping the tooth heal any better. I am trying to eat a lot of food so that I can get the calcium needed to remineralize the tooth. But I have not brushed my teeth very much lately and I need to do that. It's a vital important matter. The whole matter is whether or not I am having fun. it does not seem like very many people are having fun around me. But i am having fun creating for the sake of creation. I am not going to question whether or not it is good to create for the sake of creation, because philosophy and logic are increasingly unimportant to me as time goes on and I get older. I want less and less from the world, and because of that I am given more and more freedom. I expect less and less from the world, and there for I am given more and more to be glad about. I'm not happy but I'm glad. I am not sure what is the difference. But i can just invent the difference if I want because I am a human being. I am given this language to do what i want with it. I can just define words for other human beings if I want, and some people will actually ACCEPT the definition, without questioning at all whether I have the credentials to make this decision to define and redefine words. There are so many good boys and girls out there that will let me redefine words for them, who won't put up much of a fuss about it at all, but will start using the word the way I have defined it out of pure trust and good will and true goodboyness. But other people will question it and stand up to me, and decide that they want to define words and my reality for me as a sort of counter-attack. And then I have to decide whether I will accept their definition, or if I will go forward and use the word the way that I want to use it, or the way that I knew it before. But once the knowledge of the redefinition has taken place, there is no going back: you now have to weigh in your mind, with your judgment, whether this is the proper definition you would like to live by, and whether you will use it in conversation and debate in the new way or the old way. It's just better not to speak at all, in my opinion. It's better to be quiet and let the world go on around you and do what it wants to do. But writing is a different matter. Writing has different consequences. I am saying none of this out loud, so it does not carry as much weight. That's what I like about writing. I like the silence of it. I like to allow the silence to expand while I do my typing. I like to think with words and also make rhymes and also do whatever i want with language because this is my language and I can whatever i want with it. But do you know, that once you have read something, you can never unread something? It now is in your mind, what I have written, and you have to deal with the consequences of having read what I have written. Am I a trickster? Do i have bad intentions with my writing? I am not sure, I am finding this out every day. Maybe I am a dark, ancient, cunning primate from ancient history who knows all the proper things to signal into the ether, who knows all the virtues and which ones will attract someone to me. And the reader will say, "this man is very virtuous, I would like to meet this man and shake his hand!" and then the reader will try to track me down, and will find me, he or she will find the author of this blog and want to come meet me, and then, once you arrive at my house, I will decide that I am going to murder you with a knife, just for the sheer thrill I get from killing someone in cold blood once being able to lure them to my physical location with my great creative powers and my virtue-signaling ability, just for the sheer thrill I get from murder. Maybe that's what I am doing with all my writing. How would the reader even know? How would the reader be able to tell? Maybe I am much smarter and more cunning than the reader, and I have secret intentions I never write about, but is the purpose of this blog to enact. I don't know. I have wanted to write that scenario down for a long time because it's very scary and dark to me, and i want to be scary and dark so that hot girls will like me and say, "this man is very subversive and disagreeable! If our family ever ran into trouble with the law or criminals or other cunning primates, this man could definitely defend my family with his cunning word-abilities and his mighty strong body and other things." and then this hot young woman would want to meet me and have sex with me. So I have to be subversive sometimes and write dark things, so that I can signal all the right things so that a girl will like me and want to have sex with me. Because I am not sure very good boys are getting laid much out there in Nature. I think good boys and girls tend to be losers because they always want to please others, and do good things that will get them into Heaven, and far away from the Earth where there is so much torture and suffering. I don't really know. I don’t know anything. Is the reader a good boy or girl? I hope so. It’s good to be good, I think. I don’t know whether or not I am a good boy. I want to be a very good boy because I want to make my parents proud. I want to make my parents glad that they did not waste all this time and energy and resources making me strong with the food they fed me as they were raising me, and then I end up being a very bad boy who goes to prison or dies before reproduction, or gets into all sorts of bad boy trouble and disgraces the family name. I want to be a good boy to please my parents, but I am not sure I can please my parents and get laid at the same time. I am not sure that is how human nature works. I think I have to be a very bad boy sometimes, so that the woman I want to have sex with does not think I am too agreeable and easily pushed around by the world and Nature. I have to be someone that stands firm in his word and does whatever he wants with great independence because of the strong body I have made for myself, because this trait of independence impresses girls, when boys have the ability to do and say whatever they want and get away with it, when they do not play by the rules all the time. This is the type of conduct or behavior that gets the hot girls’ panties all wet, when a man is able to be a subversive bad boy who does not always follow the rules. But many people are signaling their great goodboy and goodgirlness on the internet because the law is secretly watching them from the shadows. Nobody wants to get into trouble with the law while they surveil all of us from a distance using this technology. Nobody wants to get into trouble with society, so everyone is a very good boy and girl on the internet because nobody wants to get into trouble with society. Everybody goes to church and has high morals and makes their mommy and daddy proud, and does all the right things and always obeys the law and never has murderous bloodrage because they are never getting the things they want in life, because there is so much evil and corruption in the world and the entire game is rigged from the start so that it’s impossible to win. Nobody ever has secret fantasies of rape and murder that maybe they covet from time to time and cherish and relish. Everyone is so pure and good and full of love and happiness, and doing the right things at all times on the surveillance internet so that they do not get into trouble, so that they do not get put into time out or spanked by daddy. Then mommy and daddy will say "you were such a good boy today!” and then reward you with a sweet treat that you can enjoy and relish, and then you can be glad you were such a good boy today. Maybe if you are a good boy or girl hard enough, someone will want to have sex with you! But I'm not exactly sure it works like that. I think there are different rules in the jungle, in human nature, in the concrete jungle, than there are in tranquil domesticity at your parents house, under your parents roof where they are protecting and providing for you. Maybe the laws of the jungle are much much different and even completely inverted from the laws of domesticity where the good boy and girl dwells. I'm not sure, I've never left my parents house to venture out on my own, so I would not know this kind of thing. So don’t ask me. I am just a very sheltered good boy who reads lots of good books, and does good boy things every single day in order to impress and please my parents, and so that I can get into Heaven. I know nothing about the law of the jungle.